No Coffee

I haven’t posted here in a while. I am coming out of this crap ass depression and the world doesn’t look so bad. I was too into my own black bubble to look around me. Therapy helped pills did not. I had to change a few things like eating habits and making my surroundings a little brighter. I had to give up coffee too. Damn it I know, but the coffee only amplifies the anxiety.

As time goes on I hope to be back on top of my game. Cutting down on the wine and no smoking weed helped a lot too.

I even made it through Christmas in a good mood. Mind you I spent a lot of time on the spiritual side of Christmas and not the buying bullshit…

God Bless you all who read this.

Is Suicide Really Painless

Is suicide really painless like the song says? I would like to know. In a way i feel that I am writing my own suicide note here. And the sad and pathetic thing is that it isn’t likely that anyone will ever read it. it will be lost in cyber space til well after I am dead.

It’s one of those times in life that we all must experience from time to time except this one is somewhat more decisive. It’s not so much the trauma of being betrayed and losing her but the whole complete collapse of life. It’s like for the first time I have lost my will to live. And I can’t get it back. no matter how i try.

The strange thing i have been told about suicide notes is that they are a way in which one can talk one’s way out of suicide. Like trying to reawaken one’s desire to go on living. I have often heard the saying…”I would kill myself if I had the guts.” And it’s true that suicide is a big step. It is for many an attempt to go to a quiet peaceful place for a long period of time. to a place where the noise and confusion of the world and life itself isn’t in our faces.

Granted as the bible says we are wonderfully and terribly made. we can handle a lot. Our physical and mental capacities are quite remarkable. but there often comes a time when we break beneath our burdens. A point where we can handle no more. And then at some point we snap. On different levels for different reasons.

Some get mental breakdowns and have to go on meds for life. others well they just go completely insane and get meds for life. Others life me well, we can’t lose our sanity so we choose to end our lives. I sometimes wish they would just lock me up and leave me in peace for a while. But I can never seem to lose my grasp on reality. so here i am finally collapsing. I hope I don’t go through with it. Death by my own hand isn’t all that appealing. 

No I would rather die by another hand be it man’s or God’s. But I don’t desire to be here anymore. 

Please understand that I am not mentally ill nor have I ever been diagnosed as such. No manic depression, bipolar disorder or schizophrenia. Just plain old me trying to overcome one disaster after another. Just when things look hopeful it all completely collapses. Every time. My hearts desires are placed before god and then it all comes tumbling down. Sometimes I yell at him and demand to know why. Other believers point me to the book of Job. but I digress. no one ever seems to have an answer for me. So I wait hopefully for one but who knows.

I am pretty sure I will be alive tomorrow much to my disappointment. I will continue to ask God to bless my day and maybe at some point he will.

And if by chance someone should read this at some point please pray for me. There must be more to life than this.

God bless