No Coffee

I haven’t posted here in a while. I am coming out of this crap ass depression and the world doesn’t look so bad. I was too into my own black bubble to look around me. Therapy helped pills did not. I had to change a few things like eating habits and making my surroundings a little brighter. I had to give up coffee too. Damn it I know, but the coffee only amplifies the anxiety.

As time goes on I hope to be back on top of my game. Cutting down on the wine and no smoking weed helped a lot too.

I even made it through Christmas in a good mood. Mind you I spent a lot of time on the spiritual side of Christmas and not the buying bullshit…

God Bless you all who read this.

Sometimes.

Sometimes one has to look at what the real problem is. I am not the most ambitious person alive. I am happy with a somewhat quiet and private life. Or at least I was until recently. Now I have an urge to change things and have fun with what’s left of my life. Finances have always been a problem for me.

I never seem to make enough to get to the proverbial next level. To walk away from the rent and hydro and other necessities we deem as our need to survive. Ironic I think. That one needs to get finances in order before one can pretty much walk away from that world. Go figure.

What does this mean? have we all become nothing but consumers. We consume food, gas, hydro, water, products, and a host of other crap most of which we don’t really need. I know this subject has been blogged about, considered and pretty much discarded in the past. I am certainly not the first person to be concerned about the effects of consumerism on the individual. We want, want ,want and want.

Actually I always just wanted my cabin in the woods. But I want one in several different countries. Again Ironic.

So where is all this leading/ well for starters it leads me to want to change my circumstances. i am not happy with my work or most of the people around me. I am claustrophobic on my own home. Or maybe just in my own skin. All I know is that it is time to change my outlook on my life and my attitude along with it.

In the past year or so I have been insane and at times almost suicidal. And this madness is coming to a close. I finally feel my head back on straight and find that my real problems are mostly financial. Things have to go.

I must quit smoking. It has killed people close to me and is killing me.

I must stop being a slave to the dollar. It is a commodity not an entity.

I must remember to see something beautiful everyday.

Today I saw a bunch of teenagers throwing a football around in the street. Not a video game in sight. they wer laughing and running and playing. that was something beautiful.

Have a great day to anyone who happens to come across this.

It all can be overcome.

And Then

I think I’m a different kind of crazy. My divorce was finalized a few months ago. It was an emotional roller coaster but that is to be expected. Now I’m at the crossroads. Do I continue in this boring mundane existence or work my ass off for a year or so and take a road trip. I like he road trip idea. I need to get away and not be responsible for a while. I need too taste the open road and just go where and when I please. I want to see Vancouver again. I want to see if it really never does rain in Southern California. I want to meet one of those gator hunters in Louisiana. My “I don’t want to call it a bucket list, bucket list” is growing and with not that many years left on this planet I want to see stuff while it’s still there. 

So that’s my plan. Get out and do the stuff I had planned to do with my ex and enjoy them while she pursues the mundane party and work life that has so destroyed my ambition. There must be more to look forward to than just a Friday night beer. BORING.

So the plan begins. I will get moving on it. The key is to overcome difficulties and and not worry about how much leisure time I have. I am restless and after all the crap that’s gone through my head the past couple of years I believe I owe myself a change.

God Bless

Is It All Bulls**t ?

No but it often seems that way.

I had been searching for likeminded seekers for quite some time. First, I looked through different groups on Facebook and through my blogs as well. I had been searching for a likeminded partner as well but I gave up on that fantasy rather quickly as anyone who is looking for a partner on the internet finds a lot of crazy people. But I was looking to make a connection with a person or persons seeking the same spiritual and intellectual goals I was seeking. And it wasn’t happening.

I happened on a site called Experience project. I joined it but let my interest in it slide. Recently I checked it out again and thought that through these people sharing their stories and experiences I might find people who were seeking and hopefully finding the same things that I was.

I was sorely disappointed. Whatever the founders of this site had in mind didn’t seem to be happening. It was just another site that had deteriorated to a bunch of people seeking to vent their base desires online. Sex and perversion. Nothing more. There are a few on there that seem to be looking for something more but they seem to disappear very quickly.

It hit me like a ton of bricks this morning when a person I had started to communicate with turned into another major disappointment. It wasn’t anything she had said directly but on her friends list and the comments on her photographs. The pictures themselves were not in any way seductive but the men commenting on them were perverts who had nothing to say other than how sexy and seductive she was. Our conversations had been about spiritual seeking and her page completely contradicted this.

In my previous posts I had downplayed the importance of sex in the beginning of human relationships. I still stand by those statements. I never realized what a cess pit the intent had become. Nowhere can I find people who are merely trying to get out of the box.

The box in my case is self-imposed through years of living for the wrong goals and always coming up disappointed. I had certain ideals in mind such as kids, family and the whole white picket fence thing. The path I chose to accomplish that was far from fruitful. I was a party animal and a sex seeker. I found myself attracted to needy people and developed a need to be needed. I could go on about my whole psychological profile but I will suffice to say that I wound up alone, shattered, disappointed and broke. I had been had by so many potential partners and fallen in love with the idea of being in love.

Now I have to ask myself where to go from here. I am lost and found at the same time. I am hearing all the usual edifying statements like “okay well you are in the right place then.” Or “Wow you’ve really figured it out.” Actually I feel like a wrecking ball has leveled my very being and I am standing in the middle of a desert with no idea which direction to go.

If this level of honesty disturbs anyone well I can’t do anything about that. All I want to do is shed everything I have ever known. An end to the perversion of life. At which point do I find some passion for living.

I happened on a passion for living coach but she charges around $10,000.00 for her package. I think that somewhere within myself I can do the job a lot less expensively.

How to conclude this post? I do not know. In fact there is no statement or hopeful cliché that will help me or anyone else in my shoes. Nothing comes to mind.

I just need to find which direction to go in before I crash again

God bless you all.

Some Things Don’t Always Work.

As usual I don’t know if the title fits the post but here goes. 

I post a lot, some uplifting and some downer stuff. It all get’s processed through my head, read by people and they decide for themselves. I try to be positiive and in some posts it sounds like I’ve actually got it somewhat together. But that of course is a phallacy. There are good days and bad days. There are suicidal days and some days are very uplifting. I think if I posted more often anyone reading this would probably label me as crazier than I actually am.

So I have to ask myself why blog and why this blog. I suppose it comes down to an exchange of ideas on how to survive some of the storms of life and actually get a good measure of enjoyment out of it. Many of the posts I read seem to come from people like me who are over the edge or at least well on there way.

I have repeatedly found my life at a total standstill and every effort to get it jumpstarted seem to backfire. I’m not feeling sorry for myself i’m just trying to figure out what i’m doing wrong or what alternative path to take into order to get some motion going in my life.

That’s where all the edifying uplifting resolutions fail. Right at the point where there is no forward motion and no sense of direction to make it happen.

Ans that’s where this idea ends. I don’t have any more 3 step solutions or anything like that.  I keep thinking that the answer is just around the corner but i can’t be sure.

Have a Happy V-day everyone. I’m sure there are thos eof you who have a special someone to celebrate with and as for the rest of us well hey, I’ll just go to work and go to sleep after.

Ciao

 

No Title

I didn’t have anything really on my mind today except how to jump start things. I am going through a financial crisis and need to supplement my income. Most people around me tell me not to worry about finances but they all have good jobs with good income and haven’t worried about finances in years. my journey took me on a slightly different path. So here I am stressing about the one thing I really shouldn’t stress about.

This gives me alot of comfort actually because after reading over past blog post and journals i have realized that I have come a longer way than i thought. I haven’t been feeling the lonely thing for a while. And well it is starting to feel a little better living alone. But i do need to get out and see friends more. I miss hanging out with friends. Most of them are a little weird but that’s a good thing.

I really need to make a list of things to do and do them. More time with my kids and grand kids. more time with friends and family. make the drive to Toronto and see my brothers and sisters, and my parents. It’s the get off your ass time of life where I can do I just need to work my ass off to get the foundation laid.

This is where it all comes down to right now is overcoming financial burdens. I have seen people go over the edge with financial burdens. i have seen marriages end over them and have seen people take illegal means to overcome them. Not me. I will resolve to do what it takes to set aside the time to do it. Moving forward is essential.

Have a great day

 

Optional

Make your own title for this post, I’ve run out of ideas.

Not completely i just didn’t feel like searching my imagination to find one. And it doesn’t really matter anyways.

i have had downers uppers and epiphanies lately. Well actually for a while now. I have search for friends, lovers and all that and still come home to my place and sleep alone. And that’s not such a bad thing anymore.

I have found over time that sex complicates. I have been in many relationships where sex commenced too early and found that it blinded both parties to the fact that we didn’t want to be in that relationship in the first place. Case in point would be my recently buggered up marriage. i can honestly say that there was little or no happiness for the whole 7 years and that if we hadn’t started screwing right off the bat then the relationship itself would never really have started. But to those of us who are somewhat emotionally needy then sex came in and we were both into being with eachother when in fact we probably wouldn’t even have been friends if we hadn’t had sex in the first place. we are two very different people with very different sets of values. I can honestly say that she is not someone I would like to be around on a day to day basis.

Getting to know someone out side of the bedroom is now an essential thing for me. Not that I’m in the market for a relationship right now however the standard has to be there. I think that when God created sex he should have put a warning label on it. “Can cause emotional ties and upheaval. It seems to have become the centre of too many relationships and communication  and the general passion for life has taken a back seat.

I know a woman with three kids from three different men who admits that the relationships went south shortly after the kids were born. This doesn’t surprise me. The first piece of advice I gave her was CONDOMS!!!! Then instead of offering her further advice i engaged her in a conversation about putting sex aside for the first month of any relationship to see if she really thought the men she was seeing were in any way what she wanted in her life.

I see it all over this tiny rural community. Teen moms realizing that they have regrets because the boy’s that knocked them up took off and any dreams they had were up in smoke because they wanted to keep their kids and hopefully have a white picket fence life.

I see adults having affairs trying to stimulate some passion because their relationships have gone south.

All this because of an over importance placed on sex. I’m not saying that sex isn’t important in a relationship. In fact it is quite essential. But too many relationships are started and based on sex and not on any form of love or passion.

I hope i don’t sound too sanctimonious in this post it was just some thing that has been on my mind alot lately. And as i am rediscovering my passion for living I find that I have to eradicate those things that get my life stuck in the mud.

Good Night and Thank You