Inside

Inside my head are anxieties and weirdness. I don’t speak the out loud but I do rant about them here. I like the anonymity of this place. And I appreciate that some people actually read this stuff. So this is just a note. I am having a better day today and hope that tomorrow is even better.

 

I

I feel like writing a lot today. But I need more space. Keep going.

Oh someone take me away.

Some Days

Some days I want to be left alone and not worry or care about any one or anything.

Some days I want to walk away.

Some days I want to sleep in the sunlight and play in the fields.

Some days I want the darkness to stay back.

Some days.

It won’t happen today.

Not because I don’t want it.

But because there is just too much going on.

Silence please.

Goodnight

Had To

I had to share this morning. This morning I left on errands. Things were looking up a little. The my car starts to chug. Then it stalls out practically in the middle of nowhere and it’s -15 degrees celsuis outside. so I walk to the nearest gas station. Thankfully they let me use their Jerry Can free. I had ice in my gas line. Walked back freezing my yarbles off and missed my appointment. Not the morning I need considering all the crap thats been going on lately.Ugh.

Just a rant but I needed to write it out so I could at least laugh a little. Maniacally but I still laughed.

Crap

Knots

Awake with that knot in your gut

That knot that sends you to the floor

That darkness the consumes you

There are no meds

They only steal your thoughts

And you lay wasted

Staring at the ceiling

Strength

Pull yourself up

Force yourself to eat

Force yourself to shower

Force yourself out the door

Force yourself to find work

The darkness always returns

Pray

Hope

Cry

And start again the next day

 

 

 

Turned

I turned to a Christian friend I used to know. I needed a job. He told me that I was too under qualified to work for him even though I had the papers. I thought about how he and the people we used to hang with always said that Christians should always go above and beyond to help others. I was temporarily confused. Then I realized that only one person I knew ever practiced that philosophy. The rest just went to the maximum convenience level. And they judged me for walking away from that mentality. I’m not sure where this is going but I needed to get that out.

And I used to be such a positive person. Crap.

Morning

I do have a problem with this waking up in such anxiety that I’m doubled over on the bathroom floor. I thought I was working beyond this crap. I’m hopeful that the end of this crap is near.

Crap

1. Have you ever got to the point where you just can’t hold it together anymore? If anyone actually reads this Crap please let me know.
2. #life
3. #death
4. #suicide
5. #everything

Standstill

I’m at a standstill. I can’t move. I am frozen and afraid. I need that job. I can’t move. She wants me out. Can’t say as I blame her. This isn’t what she signed on for. I need to pull it together. But I’m frozen and afraid. I can’t continue like this. I hate this mental condition what ever it is. I don’t know. I can’t be encouraging when I can’t encourage myself. I am at a standstill. I am frozen.