Is It All Bulls**t ?

No but it often seems that way.

I had been searching for likeminded seekers for quite some time. First, I looked through different groups on Facebook and through my blogs as well. I had been searching for a likeminded partner as well but I gave up on that fantasy rather quickly as anyone who is looking for a partner on the internet finds a lot of crazy people. But I was looking to make a connection with a person or persons seeking the same spiritual and intellectual goals I was seeking. And it wasn’t happening.

I happened on a site called Experience project. I joined it but let my interest in it slide. Recently I checked it out again and thought that through these people sharing their stories and experiences I might find people who were seeking and hopefully finding the same things that I was.

I was sorely disappointed. Whatever the founders of this site had in mind didn’t seem to be happening. It was just another site that had deteriorated to a bunch of people seeking to vent their base desires online. Sex and perversion. Nothing more. There are a few on there that seem to be looking for something more but they seem to disappear very quickly.

It hit me like a ton of bricks this morning when a person I had started to communicate with turned into another major disappointment. It wasn’t anything she had said directly but on her friends list and the comments on her photographs. The pictures themselves were not in any way seductive but the men commenting on them were perverts who had nothing to say other than how sexy and seductive she was. Our conversations had been about spiritual seeking and her page completely contradicted this.

In my previous posts I had downplayed the importance of sex in the beginning of human relationships. I still stand by those statements. I never realized what a cess pit the intent had become. Nowhere can I find people who are merely trying to get out of the box.

The box in my case is self-imposed through years of living for the wrong goals and always coming up disappointed. I had certain ideals in mind such as kids, family and the whole white picket fence thing. The path I chose to accomplish that was far from fruitful. I was a party animal and a sex seeker. I found myself attracted to needy people and developed a need to be needed. I could go on about my whole psychological profile but I will suffice to say that I wound up alone, shattered, disappointed and broke. I had been had by so many potential partners and fallen in love with the idea of being in love.

Now I have to ask myself where to go from here. I am lost and found at the same time. I am hearing all the usual edifying statements like “okay well you are in the right place then.” Or “Wow you’ve really figured it out.” Actually I feel like a wrecking ball has leveled my very being and I am standing in the middle of a desert with no idea which direction to go.

If this level of honesty disturbs anyone well I can’t do anything about that. All I want to do is shed everything I have ever known. An end to the perversion of life. At which point do I find some passion for living.

I happened on a passion for living coach but she charges around $10,000.00 for her package. I think that somewhere within myself I can do the job a lot less expensively.

How to conclude this post? I do not know. In fact there is no statement or hopeful cliché that will help me or anyone else in my shoes. Nothing comes to mind.

I just need to find which direction to go in before I crash again

God bless you all.


Some Things Don’t Always Work.

As usual I don’t know if the title fits the post but here goes. 

I post a lot, some uplifting and some downer stuff. It all get’s processed through my head, read by people and they decide for themselves. I try to be positiive and in some posts it sounds like I’ve actually got it somewhat together. But that of course is a phallacy. There are good days and bad days. There are suicidal days and some days are very uplifting. I think if I posted more often anyone reading this would probably label me as crazier than I actually am.

So I have to ask myself why blog and why this blog. I suppose it comes down to an exchange of ideas on how to survive some of the storms of life and actually get a good measure of enjoyment out of it. Many of the posts I read seem to come from people like me who are over the edge or at least well on there way.

I have repeatedly found my life at a total standstill and every effort to get it jumpstarted seem to backfire. I’m not feeling sorry for myself i’m just trying to figure out what i’m doing wrong or what alternative path to take into order to get some motion going in my life.

That’s where all the edifying uplifting resolutions fail. Right at the point where there is no forward motion and no sense of direction to make it happen.

Ans that’s where this idea ends. I don’t have any more 3 step solutions or anything like that.  I keep thinking that the answer is just around the corner but i can’t be sure.

Have a Happy V-day everyone. I’m sure there are thos eof you who have a special someone to celebrate with and as for the rest of us well hey, I’ll just go to work and go to sleep after.



Very Inspiring.

I was nominated as an inspiring blogger. Wow. I thought I was just venting here. it’s good to know that my venting inspires people. I suppose we share a number of similar circumstances and one person’s story may inspire another’s recovery from whatever is emotionally ailing us.

More later.