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I didn’t have anything really on my mind today except how to jump start things. I am going through a financial crisis and need to supplement my income. Most people around me tell me not to worry about finances but they all have good jobs with good income and haven’t worried about finances in years. my journey took me on a slightly different path. So here I am stressing about the one thing I really shouldn’t stress about.

This gives me alot of comfort actually because after reading over past blog post and journals i have realized that I have come a longer way than i thought. I haven’t been feeling the lonely thing for a while. And well it is starting to feel a little better living alone. But i do need to get out and see friends more. I miss hanging out with friends. Most of them are a little weird but that’s a good thing.

I really need to make a list of things to do and do them. More time with my kids and grand kids. more time with friends and family. make the drive to Toronto and see my brothers and sisters, and my parents. It’s the get off your ass time of life where I can do I just need to work my ass off to get the foundation laid.

This is where it all comes down to right now is overcoming financial burdens. I have seen people go over the edge with financial burdens. i have seen marriages end over them and have seen people take illegal means to overcome them. Not me. I will resolve to do what it takes to set aside the time to do it. Moving forward is essential.

Have a great day

 

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Make your own title for this post, I’ve run out of ideas.

Not completely i just didn’t feel like searching my imagination to find one. And it doesn’t really matter anyways.

i have had downers uppers and epiphanies lately. Well actually for a while now. I have search for friends, lovers and all that and still come home to my place and sleep alone. And that’s not such a bad thing anymore.

I have found over time that sex complicates. I have been in many relationships where sex commenced too early and found that it blinded both parties to the fact that we didn’t want to be in that relationship in the first place. Case in point would be my recently buggered up marriage. i can honestly say that there was little or no happiness for the whole 7 years and that if we hadn’t started screwing right off the bat then the relationship itself would never really have started. But to those of us who are somewhat emotionally needy then sex came in and we were both into being with eachother when in fact we probably wouldn’t even have been friends if we hadn’t had sex in the first place. we are two very different people with very different sets of values. I can honestly say that she is not someone I would like to be around on a day to day basis.

Getting to know someone out side of the bedroom is now an essential thing for me. Not that I’m in the market for a relationship right now however the standard has to be there. I think that when God created sex he should have put a warning label on it. “Can cause emotional ties and upheaval. It seems to have become the centre of too many relationships and communication  and the general passion for life has taken a back seat.

I know a woman with three kids from three different men who admits that the relationships went south shortly after the kids were born. This doesn’t surprise me. The first piece of advice I gave her was CONDOMS!!!! Then instead of offering her further advice i engaged her in a conversation about putting sex aside for the first month of any relationship to see if she really thought the men she was seeing were in any way what she wanted in her life.

I see it all over this tiny rural community. Teen moms realizing that they have regrets because the boy’s that knocked them up took off and any dreams they had were up in smoke because they wanted to keep their kids and hopefully have a white picket fence life.

I see adults having affairs trying to stimulate some passion because their relationships have gone south.

All this because of an over importance placed on sex. I’m not saying that sex isn’t important in a relationship. In fact it is quite essential. But too many relationships are started and based on sex and not on any form of love or passion.

I hope i don’t sound too sanctimonious in this post it was just some thing that has been on my mind alot lately. And as i am rediscovering my passion for living I find that I have to eradicate those things that get my life stuck in the mud.

Good Night and Thank You

The Power of Love?

Do I believe in the power of love anymore? My experience in the past year or so has kind of killed that. Romantic love, well not really. After all I was betrayed in the worst possible way, at the worst possible time, by the one person I trusted would never  do that to me. Romantic love? No. I no longer believe in the power of love. Funny how I used to cling to it. Now I look at it and sadly, and sarcastically, and believe that it is more a source of pain and anguish than anything else. As the line in the Leonard Cohen song goes, “All I ever learned from love was how to shoot at someone who out drew you.” The power of love is the power that maims and destroys.

But I did learn that there is a higher love. As I had mentioned in previous entries, friends who I had not seen in well over 20 years got wind of my situation and contacted me. They brought me back from the brink of suicide. They lifted up my spirits and showed me my self worth. Those whom I had once shared that special bond of friendship with came through in what had to be my most desperate hour. That is love worth counting on. I believe in the ancient Greek it falls between agape love and philia love. That special bond of friendship.

I doubt at this time in my life I will ever feel, nor ever want to feel that passionate eros love again. It has been far too wounding over the years. No I will remember philia and agape as the love that saves. God’s love and the love between loyal friends. Friends are loyal, lovers are definitely transient.

Good Night and Thank You

Making Life Matter

Really Now,

Hear I am in the process of changing my life and wondering why it all goes so slow. I remember a friend had me listen to an AA tape she had been given. It was a woman’s experience through her drinking days and recovery. After going back again and again to the same abusive drug addicted boyfriend, she finally concluded that she was terrified of change. As she put it, “Although it was miserable, it was familiar.” Familiarity is the addiction of so many of us who want to change our perspectives and our lives. If I was standing outside of myself and looking at me objectively, would I even like what or who I saw? No. i would see a stranded man afraid to get off the post and move forward. What would the cost be? What would i actually have to lose that I haven’t lost already? Money, stuff, public opinion,and whatever else? Is any of that of any real importance when i want an adventurous life?

I think the answer scares me more than anything. No, none of it matters worth a tinkers damn when at the end of my days I can’t look at myself and say that I invested my dreams and talents and came back with tenfold on the investment. If life is compared to a transaction, do I really want to walk away with spare change? No I think not. I didn’t make the new years Resolutions because I had no resolve. I was to stuck in the mud of a past life riddled with jump starts and “almost made its.”

People say some of the things I’d like to do are ridiculous. Hey, only those who attempt the ridiculous can achieve the impossible.Image

It takes courage to abandon the familiar and walk through the door that God has opened for us. Why, because no part of our comfort zone exists there. No peer approval exists there. Just the feeling that say’s I MADE MY LIFE HAPPEN.

Good Night and Thank You

Just Stop

When it gets crazy, and it does. I need to just stop. When my life seems at an uncontrolled standstill, I need to just stop. 

There is too much advice out there and sometimes it feels like there are a thousand voices in my head and a thousand people wanting something from me. I need to tell them to just stop. Not that I hear voices but you know what I mean. There is too much to think about and when I’m running out of ideas as to what to do about it…I need to just stop.

Not stop and focus, not stop and decide, just stop.

Stop and empty my head of all the crap I’ve accumulated and just be quiet.

There is far too many people giving advice and none of them actually walk in my shoes. Oh some of them walk in similar shoes, one might think they are the same but they are not. My shoes are custom made and no one can actually walk in them.

Recently i was reading old posts and some might think that I am a total crazy person, I feel that way some times. I feel up and down like a whores pettycoats. But I am not crazy I am just trying to face circumstances in life that I was never prepared for. These are times when I look back on a lot of the ideals I had as a young man and wonder what the hell happened. I try to get my life back on track and wind up hitting a wall.

Then I just have to stop. I have to create silence for the moment and not think. I have to eliminate all things that are messing with my head. That includes people too. I was married to a woman I thought I knew and she became a total stranger as well as a source of stress. So she had to go. And i had to just stop.

So here I am just stopped. No worries in this moment. No thoughts or voices in this moment. I just slow down and stop.

Then I go for a walk.

Good Night and Thank You

5 Beautiful Things.

I need to see them today. 5 beautiful things. I will walk until I see them. They will change my outlook just for today. No reposts and probably no pictures. Just the 5.

And why this?

I see cracks in the sidewalks, flowers, people, old cars and the folks that drive them. I work with people who are always in a rush. Restaurants will do that. Always rush always on time.

I am tied of rushing, Tired of my brain going 30 clicks past the speed limiy. I will leave early for work and I will take my time. I want to see something different every day for the next 5 days. A kind of zen positive thinking execise.

Speaking of which i would really like to join a fitness club or gym. Not because I’m a jock or anything like that, but I need to supplement my walks with something more. Coming out of a suicidal depression leads me to want to stretch my legs and get moving. I need to be mobile. I can’t see all those beautiful things if I don’t get mobile now can I?

I feel the need to move on. From this town, from this job, from this life. I need to discover life everywhere. I feel like I can’t sit still somedays. Movement…I think that’s what we all need.

Good Night and Thank You