Is Suicide Really Painless? Part Two

I must say that although I gave suicide a great deal of consideration in fact i never answered the question. And some of you who may find this blog floating around cyber space will be  happy or sad to know that I survived. I did not take my own life because i did conclude that suicide is not painless. In fact suicide causes a considerable amount of pain. I posted some really dark posts on FB and recieved alot of offers of support from friends. Well no actually only a few offers and they were not from my current friends. No they were from friends I had not seen in at least 20 years. They were messaging me and giving me thier phone numbers and encouraging me to call and talk. I didn’t even mention the word suicide in any of the posts. 

But back to the topic. I began to realize the far reaching or ripple effects of suicide. I had been somewhat close to two families who were affected by suicide. One daughter age 21 some time ago and one with a son age 50 more recently. Both families were devastated. The more recent one, let’s call him Jeff was found by his sister 6 weeks after the fact.and she had a complete nervous breakdown. She still hasn’t recovered completely two years later. The former some time ago, let’s call her Annie, committed suicide after a fight with her boyfriend and that was after too much to drink. I never saw much of that family afterwards but she had a younger sister who was never the same again.

I knew both of these people and in fact grew up with them. I was closer to Jeff. He and i were elementary and high school buddies. Although i had not seen him in quite some time i felt a great trauma at his loss. He was not the type of man you would picture committing suicide. In fact he was one of the most self assured confident men I had ever met. Yet unbeknownst to me he was diagnosed with schizophrenia at the age of 35, and in the end chose to take his life. It left me with a great emptiness.

Now to the present. life’s circumstances had me on the brink. I am still on the brink but not of suicide. I have two children. What would become of them. they would be scarred for life if their father was to take his own life in the current set of traumatic circumstances I am in. I am not selfish enough to put them through that and expect them to survive it. It shows no consideration or love for the people I would leave behind. 

As I stated on the previous entry i am not mentally ill or medicated. I sometimes drink too much and take an occasional toke but i am neither a drug addict nor an alcoholic. i am just a person who has encountered a very difficult and at this point traumatic set of circumstance in the past several years. Actually the trauma has really only been recently and the thoughts of suicide only in the past few months. 

The next question is is she worth killing myself over. Someone who would betray me and smash my emotions and life to pieces. Is she worth all the pain that suicide would cause. she would likely only forget me within a few months or even just use it for attention. Is such a cold calculating person worth dying for and harming my family. the answer is no. this is the question i pose to all persons who are now contemplating suicide. Is it worth it? If you are bullied then seek a way to get revenge. If you have mental illness check yourself in. Find another way. Keep yourself busy. Even better try to reach out to those who are like you and seek to support each other and overcome the suicidal thing.

that sounds a little Tony Robbins I know but let’s face it. when I think of the looks on my kids faces when they found out, when i think of what they would do, I change my thinking altogether and try to find solutions to the problem. there is a better way. the darkness, i am told will pass.

Suicide is never painless. Suicide is the most traumatic thing that one could do to oneself and to those around them. but having been in the darkness, i know that these encouraging words often fall on deaf ears. I know that the darkness is often all encompassing and looks like there is no end to it. Some live with being told they are too, too useless, too whatever. there is too much heartbreak around us. people cut you and leave you bleeding and hopeless and walk away laughing.

That is all for now. I hope to have a more uplifting topic soon.




Is Suicide Really Painless

Is suicide really painless like the song says? I would like to know. In a way i feel that I am writing my own suicide note here. And the sad and pathetic thing is that it isn’t likely that anyone will ever read it. it will be lost in cyber space til well after I am dead.

It’s one of those times in life that we all must experience from time to time except this one is somewhat more decisive. It’s not so much the trauma of being betrayed and losing her but the whole complete collapse of life. It’s like for the first time I have lost my will to live. And I can’t get it back. no matter how i try.

The strange thing i have been told about suicide notes is that they are a way in which one can talk one’s way out of suicide. Like trying to reawaken one’s desire to go on living. I have often heard the saying…”I would kill myself if I had the guts.” And it’s true that suicide is a big step. It is for many an attempt to go to a quiet peaceful place for a long period of time. to a place where the noise and confusion of the world and life itself isn’t in our faces.

Granted as the bible says we are wonderfully and terribly made. we can handle a lot. Our physical and mental capacities are quite remarkable. but there often comes a time when we break beneath our burdens. A point where we can handle no more. And then at some point we snap. On different levels for different reasons.

Some get mental breakdowns and have to go on meds for life. others well they just go completely insane and get meds for life. Others life me well, we can’t lose our sanity so we choose to end our lives. I sometimes wish they would just lock me up and leave me in peace for a while. But I can never seem to lose my grasp on reality. so here i am finally collapsing. I hope I don’t go through with it. Death by my own hand isn’t all that appealing. 

No I would rather die by another hand be it man’s or God’s. But I don’t desire to be here anymore. 

Please understand that I am not mentally ill nor have I ever been diagnosed as such. No manic depression, bipolar disorder or schizophrenia. Just plain old me trying to overcome one disaster after another. Just when things look hopeful it all completely collapses. Every time. My hearts desires are placed before god and then it all comes tumbling down. Sometimes I yell at him and demand to know why. Other believers point me to the book of Job. but I digress. no one ever seems to have an answer for me. So I wait hopefully for one but who knows.

I am pretty sure I will be alive tomorrow much to my disappointment. I will continue to ask God to bless my day and maybe at some point he will.

And if by chance someone should read this at some point please pray for me. There must be more to life than this.

God bless